What is this power that beauty holds over us? What is beauty anyway? Ok, so this question can be answered with as many subjective responses as the question, What is art? We won’t go THERE tonight though.
Seriously I was talking to my counselor about my recent performance. I am trying to get it all straight in my head. That is very hard to do. I still don’t know exactly why I did it. I mean I do know what motivated me to do it. Of course as an artist, I really don’t have to justify anything. I just do the work and hope everyone else gets it and talks about it and continues the dialogue I started.
I realized that while I wanted to voice my opinion about the ideal of beauty that is perpetuated in the media, that is not the real reason I went bald. I realized it was much more personal than I even anticipated.
My counselor, an amazing woman, asked me to sit and think about this question. “What does beauty feel like to me?” I honestly couldn’t answer. To sit and think about beauty in this regard was very hard. I realized that beauty means so many different things to each and every one of us. She told me to stop and only think about me. I tend to do this. Over-analyze the big picture rather than get personal.
I honestly don’t know if I have every felt truly beautiful. There were times where I thought I did, but those times were always when I was with someone, and they ‘made me’ feel beautiful. I don’t think that is fair. I don’t want to feel beautiful in someone else’s company. Oh wait, I mean of course I do but I don’t want to feel beautiful because of someone else. I want to feel beautiful because of me.
Did I tell you I almost got married in Second Life?
Yes this is me, or Gracie, ok both. I loved this dress,the hair, the flowers the atmosphere, but I didn’t feel beautiful. What makes a bride feel beautiful? Is it because it’s her special day? The dress, makeup, hair-do? Is it that all the attention is on her or that her soon to be husband is waiting at the end of the aisle? Is it because everyone loves HER?
So what does beauty feel like to me? I realized this question is even harder because I am an artist. I see beauty everywhere. Here I go again. I need to think micro, not macro.
Sitting here thinking. Gosh this is hard.
I can say, I feel beautiful when I finish a painting. When it is completely done. When I know all the colors work together and there is nothing else I can do to it.I feel beautiful when someone says the piece is beautiful. Wait, there I go again, external validation of beauty. Nooooooo.
I feel beautiful as an artist. I feel beautiful expressing myself even if it is asking myself if I am beautiful. There is beauty in the questions. There may be beauty in the answers, I just haven’t gotten that far yet.
I don’t know. I have sat in front of this post for a couple days now contemplating this power that beauty holds over me.
So after a couple days, I said Fuck it. I had to create. I had to work. I thought about Gracie and who she is. I always said she is my inner beauty. Now I even question this. Especially since this would mean my inner beauty is still the ideal/physical version of me.
What if she changed? I once made her smoke. I felt this made her less perfect. Then she went bald for me after the performance. What if she truly became my art. What if art imitates life imitates art, and maybe imitates beauty?