A Sonnet to Loo Roll

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes —

An image of a Loo Roll square

I do love Loo Roll, I really do!
Image by Tonio Vega – http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonio_vega/3516874990/sizes/z/in/photostream/

I am a tad bit under the weather as of late… or more plainly: I am sick as hell. What started off as a light cold has inevitably exploded into an oh-my-god-I’ve-forgotten-what-it-feels-like-not-to-be-ill-eww-gross-is-that-what-the-inside-of-my-lungs-look-like??? full-blown influenza extravaganza.

Needless to say, my cough is about the only thing about me that’s been productive, let alone creative. All of the typical symptoms are there: lethargy, aches, headaches, coughing… but most of all, an excessive consumption of loo roll (that’s toilet paper for you non-Brits) as a result of blowing my nose every few minutes. Oh, why not Kleenex Delux Triple-Ply with Aloe you ask? Just who do you think I am… Paris Hilton?

I’m not exactly sure how many packages of loo roll I’ve been through so far, but I do know that I’ve nearly exhausted my supply. Which means, yes, I will be compelled to not only leave my bedroom, but my flat this weekend. Eek!

While I have no empirical evidence at hand, I might be an above-average phlegmatic person, not in the apathetic sense, but in the… err.. phleghm-y sense.

Anecdotally, I do remember my exasperated brother once asking as he’d hear me incessantly blowing my nose during one of my legendary teenage colds… “how can one woman produce so much snot?!?!?!” It was a rhetorical question.

This is one of the reasons I tend to avoid dairy products at the best of times, although rumour has it that I routinely fail to respect a certain stop sign at the corner of Brie and Camembert.

Apart from considering a change of Second Life display name to Coughy McPhlegmington, my creative juices have unfortunately run a bit dry. Which means I haven’t been able to post either here or on my personal blog, which I’m kind of bummed about. Yeah, I’m pretty sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

But really? Can’t I be creative while I’m sick? Surely there is some spark of something or other that I can muster?

Well, today I decided I had to write something, just to prove to myself I hadn’t lost all inspiration. So, here’s the result of my efforts, combined with the active ingredients of almost a half-dozen over-the-counter drugs.

I shall call it A Sonnet to Loo Roll:

Puppies run ’round you in tireless loops
You are the spawn of intelligent wood
Your fibres the spring of pulp and dye soup
Hardened flat under the heat you withstood
That air of dry softness that you retain
Shipped intact by truck, train, and by freighter
Measured and cut, wrapped in bulk like cocaine
Your value by weight certainly greater
Hung over, not under, I have my reasons
I might even fold your torn end in a corner
Yes, over, in spite of the risk of malfeasance
By Persian cats bent on random disorder
Into my bin is an ignoble end
For such reliable yet discarded friends

3 Responses to “A Sonnet to Loo Roll”

  1. Vaneeesa Blaylock
    2012/09/29 at 01:27 #

    aww Becky! 🙁

    #1 – Cheese products are not “dairy” they are essential vitamins.

    #2 – *sniffle* 🙁 feel better

    #3 – kk, I guess you found me out! My typist IS Paris Hilton!!! And I ONLY use aloe tissues. I can go through a box a day when I’m sick and they make my nose agonizingly raw. The aloe tissues don’t solve everything, but they help A LOT. Spend the money Nicole!

    #4 – a pharmacist turned me on to “Mucinex” – “thins and loosens mucus” – kk, gross I know, but the stuff REALLY helps! It’s over the counter, no prescription.

    #5 – if you’re having trouble keeping up with all your social networks, just give me your Facebook password, relax and sleep, I’ll be happy to impersonate you and start flame wars with all your friends. And really, if they can’t take a joke, how great a friend were they anyway? Honestly!!!

    Get well soon, Red

    xoxo

    • Canary Beck
      2012/10/01 at 09:07 #

      Ok ok. I broke down and bought a few packages of Kleenex Anti-Viral
      Tissues. There was, to my surprise, no aloe to be found in my tiny
      little convenience store. Although, there were plenty of aloe options
      for loo roll! Clearly, the Brits are more keen to cover their arses with
      aloe, than their noses – I have no idea what that means or why that
      might be, and am not all that bothered to investigate.

      But,
      anti-viral tissues? Supposedly, there is something in the tissue that
      kills the virus! I suppose this is a great idea if you happen to be
      using them a lot at work, if you live with people, or have a lot of
      house guests, as viruses tend to have a habit of jumping out of your
      tissue into the nearest victim’s respiratory tract. (Really??)

      I am back at work today and have duly brought said packages with me
      content in the notion that I am not only protecting the thin veneer of
      nose skin I have left, but also murdering those pesky critters as a
      happy by-product.

      • Vaneeesa Blaylock
        2012/10/01 at 15:44 #

        aww… glad you’re feeling a little better. Being sick just sucks. I’d rather have Zuckerberg delete my Facebook account for being a “fake” person, than have the flu for 2 weeks.

        Poor Becky! Sending you virtual hugs. 🙂